Monkey Shines

A message from my friend Shannon:
"Just to be clear, do you consider yourself an atheist, or are you agnostic? It seems like being an atheist requires some measure of faith (that there is/are absolutely no God or Gods). Agnosticism seems like a kind of spiritual shrugging of the shoulders. I wonder if there are any aggressive atheists, as in the door to door variety ("hello madam have you heard the good word--there is no God! Might we leave you a brochure?"). I can't imagine even the most fanatical atheist doing much damage ("I bomb this temple in the name of no one!!! Die non-infidels!!!"). Perhaps I'm into monkey-shines (tm) territory. I promise to post if I have an actual opinion.

Oh, and one more thing... I heard a theory on NPR a couple of weeks ago: the normally fiscally responsible right-wing officials are less responsible of late because...they believe in the "end of days". Yikes!! Could Patton Oswalt be right? Does Bush really think he is going to be the guy that takes us into the apocalypse?"

Answers/thoughts:
1) I'm a hopeful athiest... I don't know if that makes me an agnostic or not. My rational mind dictates to me that there is no way there is any sort of benevolent deity that is watching over me. However, my romantic, wishful mind says "There MUST be something more. How can you rationalize doing ANYTHING if nothing you do has significance in the end?" Which causes my head to explode. I have to hope for some type of higher purpose, some sort of afterlife, or afterthought. Without that, there really is no reason to do anything... And no reason not to do whatever the hell you want.
2) I love this idea. In fact, I may put on a suit this weekend and go door to door to preach the word of No One. I wonder what the neighbors will think.
3) Blowing stuff up in anyone's (or No One's) name is NOT COOL!
4) I can only hope the right wing conservatives who are normally fiscally responsible are truly throwing caution to the wind and blowing their loot. Perhaps they'll spend their caches of riches and lose their power and some sane people can get some control in the government. I'd pray for this to happen, but No One doesn't listen.
5) I think that maybe Patton Oswalt is God... (Awww, hell Chewbacca!)

I don't think I can argue with this. The banana IS the atheists worst nightmare... A soft, chewy, sweet, nightmare. Wait... bananas aren't my worst nightmare... A band of giant spiders playing Toby Keith songs is my worst nightmare... What the hell is he talking about? I love bananas!
Note: That is Kirk Cameron in the picture with the fella talking about bananas. Apparently, when Kirk found religion, he lost the ability to recognize banana based inuendo.

Enjoy!

I was looking for the story of Job, which I'll get to soon. However, I got confused and looked up the story of Lot instead. Turns out, this one was better than I could possibly have hoped! I remember being told this story as a boy in Sunday School, but they certainly left out some of the seedier details.
As I read this, I thought it HAD to be a joke. Or an exaggeration of the real story. So, I grabbed up my Bible and turned to Genesis: 18 and 19. There it is, right from the Holy text. You can check it out yourself.
(By the way, this is not my translation of the story. I found it online. I think that it comes from one of the Bibles that is translated into today's English Version.)

The Story of Lot, the village of Sodom, and Lot's virgin daughters.
GOD was having a discussion with his servant, Abraham. GOD said, "The people living in the villages of Sodom and Gomorra are terrible. They do not follow the will of God. They do not do the things as I created them to do. Instead, they do things the wrong way. I have a solution. I will simply kill them all.
The servant replied to God, "Yes, but is it right to kill everyone in these villages. Even though most of them are bad, there still must be at least 50 good people in these villages."
God replied, "I agree. In that case, if you can find 50 good men in these villages, I will not kill them all. I will spare everyone in the villages, for the sake of those 50."
The servant continued, "But God, what if there are just ten good men in the village. Will you still kill everyone in the village?"
"I agree," said God. "If you can find just ten good men in the village, I will not kill them all?"
The servant persisted, "God, suppose that I can only find just one good man in the village. Is it right to kill all the people in that village, including that one man, just because everyone else in the village is bad."
"You have got a deal," said God. "If you can find just one good man in that village, I will not kill them all. See if you can find that one good man. But, watch your back! There are a lot of bad people in that village. And, remember, if you cannot find one good man in that village of Sodom, I will kill them all."
Two servants of God came down to the village of Sodom in the form of angels. These angels were very handsome men. As they walked through the village, all the men of that village paid attention to them. All the men of that village wanted the same thing. They all wanted their backs.
Just in time, the angels arrived at the house of Lot. Lot was the only good man in the village. Lot invited the angels into his house and shut the door. This was just in time, as every other man of that village came to Lot's house. They started banging on Lot's door.
"Open the door", cried the men of Sodom.
"What do you want," said Lot.
"You know what we want. We want to have sex with those two men that are in your house. That is what we want.", said the men.
"You can't have them," said Lot, "because these two men are my personal guests in my house and are under my protection."
"We demand that you send those two men out right now," screamed the crowd of men outside the house of Lot. "We are burning with desire for those two men."
"I will tell you what," said Lot. "I have two virgin daughters. They have never been with a man. I will turn them out and you can fulfill all of your sexual desires with my two daughters. Do with them what you will. Just do not touch the two men who are guests in my house."
"We do not want that", said the men outside. "We have no interest whatever in your two daughters. They can keep their virginity. We only want sex with the men. Now, send those two handsome men out right away."
The situation was truly desperate. The men outside were about to break down the door. Fortunately, God, who was watching all of this from above, rescued Lot and his family. God sent a sand storm down to that village. The men of the village could not see. God told Lot and the two angels and the two virgin daughters and Lot's wife to get out of there and to climb high into the hills above Sodom. Lot and his family did as told. God also told them not to look back.
Lot and his family left the house. They walked past the men blinded by the sand storm. They climbed high into the hills.
Once Lot was safely in the hills, God kept his end of the deal. God sent fire and brimstone down upon the villages of Sodom and Gomorra, and killed everyone in those villages.
Lot and his two virgin daughters followed the commands of God. They kept going. However, Lot's wife did not follow the commands of God. She looked back, and she turned into a pillar of salt.

Lot and his two daughters kept going higher into the hills. After some days and nights, they finally stopped. They stayed there for a while. They looked around. They rested. They found a cave in the mountains and lived there.
Finally, after some days, one daughter said to the other. "Now, we are all alone. All the people of our village of Sodom are dead. We have nothing left. We also have no men to become our husbands. We have only our father left. What shall we do?"
Finally, the two virgin daughters hit upon a plan. They found some grapes. They made them into wine. They prepared the wine for their father. Their father, not knowing what their plan was, drank the wine. Finally, their father became completely drunk. They carried Lot into his cave and laid him down.
One daughter left the other alone with Lot in the cave. The daughter in the cave with Lot had sex with her father. Lot was completely drunk and did not know what he was doing. The next day, Lot had no memory of this.
The next night, the two daughters brought some more wine. Lot drank the wine and got drunk again. Again, they took them into his cave. This time, the other daughter had sex with her father. The next morning, Lot had no memory of any of this.
The two now no longer virgin daughters both became pregnant from having sex with their father. Each daughter gave birth to a baby boy. The name of the first boy was Moab. The name of the second boy was Benammi. These two boys each became the founder of a great tribe.
That concludes the Story of Lot.